In these times of uncertainty, for many of us staying at home can be tough. With the government advising social distancing to avoid close contact, many have not been able to see their loved ones, including couples and lovers. In turn those used to physical contact from a romantic or sexual partner are now left wanting.
Luckily sex doesn’t have to be a complete write-off for those isolating home. Step forth – one of the most utilised objects since the isolation began…the phone.
A great way to keep your sexual juices flowing, phone sex could just be the next best thing to that of physical contact – that is, until we can all get to the real thing.
For now, phone sex is more relevant now than ever before.
To help you become a sex chat master we’ve compiled some expert tips with a little help from Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist and Psycho-Sexologist Kate Moyle, and Good Vibrations staff sexologist Carol Queen PHD, to rid your inhibitions and discover the joys of phone sex.
What is phone sex?
Phone sex is a way of holding a sexually explicit conversation with someone. The idea of it is to invoke arousal which ultimately will lead to an orgasm.
Though most people assume it’s merely a case of talking dirty, the reality is that it’s a little more involved than that.
More than merely rude, dirty, or forbidden words, the best phone sex when done correctly, is actually a sensational total body experience.
Best of all, though some believe phone sex can’t possibly be relevant in this day and age, it continues to be the most significant niche in the sex industry. Many people continue to earn a good profit from those calling sex chat lines for their sexual needs.
For those new to ‘talking dirty’, the idea of phone sex can be intimidating.
How to have phone sex that gets you going
The best way to ensure that you have the best ever phone sex is to take a little time beforehand planning your conversation.
Whether it’s phone sex with a partner, or you’re accessing the services of a sex worker, several tips can help you make this one of the most rewarding experiences.
Better still, once you’ve got past that first often awkward and fumbling stage, you can then build on your technique to ensure you up your game with each call.
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Check your connections
Before you even begin to think of starting with phone sex, it pays to ensure that you have good reception and can connect easily. There’s nothing more off-putting than having a lag, fuzzy signal, or even being cut off mid-flow.
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Get in the mood
To get you in the mood Queen advises to “think about what you want to get out of it in advance. Sexual excitement and release? Intimacy and fantasy sharing with a partner?” As Moyle says: “ anything that helps you to switch off and feel in the mood is going to be an assistant.” Getting into the mood for phone sex can involve doing many different things. Most people like to wear something sexy to really set the scene and feel in the moment. Other ideas include setting up the room, dimming the lights, removing all distractions, and perhaps even having a glass of wine.
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Visualise the scenario
Phone sex can be the ideal way to take you away from the everyday rituals, monotony, and, indeed, the current troubles of the world. So, why not get settled and begin visualising yourself someplace else? Allowing your imagination to run wild here can play a considerable part in the success of phone sex. When it comes to using your imagination, Queen suggests “considering persona play and getting props and costumes to support your chosen personas”.
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Consider your vocabulary
Many beginners to phone sex often come unstuck when it comes to vocabulary. Though there are so many words that you can use in this scenario, it’s usually something that takes a while to get comfortable with. You may find it a good idea to write up a list of words that you can refer to. It’s also good practice to learn a few variations along the way of what could really inject some passion into your conversation. Also, be sure to decide with your partner the type of language you are both comfortable with using. As Queen points out, “Are there any kinds of talk you’d be uncomfortable with, words you don’t like, etc? Let your phone partner know upfront”.
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Maintain control over your voice
Equally as important as the words you use here is your tone of voice. For many people starting phone sex, there’s an urge to use a totally different voice than usual. However, this is often rarely sustained and can involve your voice going up and down throughout the conversation. So, find a tone near enough your own that you feel comfortable with instead.
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Consider adding more to the conversation
As much as you can, try including further information into each conversation, each time. This can vary from the smell of perfume, cologne, or sheets, to the location of where your hands are. Those juicy details really can work much magic.
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Use some authority
Phone sex can often bring out the inner dom for many couples. So, if you have a particular fetish or kink you want explored, don’t be afraid to tell each other what you want during your conversation.
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Try adding sound effects and using toys
Sex toys can be a great addition to phone sex, mainly if you include them as part of a game here. Moyle advises to have “some lubricant to hand so that it doesn’t break the moment by you having to go and find them.” What’s more, if you can add in some sound effects throughout, all the better.
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Allow time for a reaction
The most professional phone sex operators understand the art of allowing their clients time to respond throughout their conversation. So, don’t feel the need to fill every second with talk.
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Don’t rush it
The whole idea of phone sex is to allow the conversation to build naturally, just as you would with physical foreplay. If you’re having trouble with what to say, Queen advises to “mentally bank the things that you find most sexually inspiring for use in phone sex calls. Think about when you’re reading erotica, watching porn, fantasising, or thinking about sexy past encounters, mentally bank the things that you find most sexually inspiring for use in phone sex calls”.
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Use technology
Once you’ve gained confidence, you may want to go that one step further and use more than a phone here. You can switch to options such as Facetime, WhatsApp, Skype, Zoom or other online messaging services. This can add an extra dimension to your sex calls, visually.
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Prepare for phone sex and video sex differently
According to Queen, “video sex, of course, allows you to see the person, which makes it more akin in some ways to making private porn with another person”. Whether you decide to use a phone or video, prepare them for them differently. Moyle stresses “it’s important that you check in with each other about what feels most comfortable in advance – like all aspects of our sex lives, communication and consent are critical. If you are on video particularly make sure you have firm boundaries about screen grabbing / saving / recording any image content.” Queen also agrees on the importance of feeling comfortable while doing video sex sessions, stating and stresses to remember that “many video chat platforms allow the chat to be recorded, which may not be what you want – and if not, make that very clear”.
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Enjoy the experience
Feeling relaxed and comfortable will make your phone sex experience go a long way. According to Moyle, “if you don’t feel comfortable and secure when you start your sex life on a new medium then you won’t be able to fully relax and enjoy yourself.” We agree, so don’t forget to enjoy the whole experience of phone sex.
The benefits of phone sex
So can phone sex really replace the intimacy that comes with physical sex? According to Kate Moyle for “people who find it difficult to be vocal in the bedroom, or about sex in general, phone sex can also be a way of feeling less inhibited because you aren’t face to face with a partner.” Another benefit of phone sex reinforced by Carol Queen is that it allows you “to stay erotically connected no matter where you are.” A benefit more relevant now than ever.
There are many other benefits to be had from phone sex. They include:
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- It allows you to use your imagination
- It can keep a relationship fresh and exciting
- It’s easily accessible
- If you don’t have someone to have phone sex with per se, phone sex lines offer a way of connecting with another person while fulfilling those sexual desires at the same time
- In the current climate it is a safe way to continue sexual activity without physical contact
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As Queen puts it “at a time when we’re worried about a virus, phone sex is a real tool to help keep us safe”.
If you find yourself at a loss, the tips above can help you to sexually connect with another during this lockdown. Remember when doing so, to stay within your comfort zone, and as Queen stresses “make sure you know what that zone is and be flexible about the adventure you’re embarking on”.
So what are you waiting for? Make that call today.
A special thank you to the following experts:
Kate Moyle: Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist & Psycho-Sexologist
Carol Queen, PHD: Good Vibrations Staff Sexologist
