Welcome to ‘Ask Your Friendly Neighbourhood Sexologist’ with Gigi Engle and Vivastreet, a monthly column where certified sex educator Gigi Engle answers all of your sauciest sex questions. Have a question for Gigi? Comment below or ask us on Twitter.
Q: As a woman, I masturbate daily, but feel there is a stigma that comes with this. Am I normal?
A: One of the most pernicious lies young people hear is that a vibrator or sex toy can be addictive or damage our clitorises, making them unable to feel manual pleasure ever again. It’s deeply based on shame-culture, one that seeks to slut-shame and harm women by telling them a thing that can bring them pleasure, joy, and connection to their bodies is damaging.
The idea that masturbation could be wrong or bad in this, the year of our Lord 2021, sits with me like this sour feeling one can’t be rid of. It lives everywhere. Masturbation is considered this “less-than” act. It ranks at the bottom of the barrel of sexual acts. It’s a “last resort” or something people (men especially, for women are never afforded this outlook) need to do in order to “get by” and keep their libidos in check. And this is, to put it scientifically, utter bullshit.
I’m here to tell you that masturbation is completely normal and healthy, no matter how much you want to do it. Just be sure you’re using a reliable lube, aren’t shirking all of your work and life commitments in favour of getting off (though it’s OK to do sometimes), and check in with yourself so you can remind yourself that you are a strong, beautiful woman that is deserving of all the pleasure in the world.
Q: Is masturbation good for you / Are there any benefits?
A: Absolutely. It’s amazing for your health. Giving yourself pleasure should be as fundamental to your daily routine as breakfast and brushing your hair. When we orgasm, our brains release a whole host of feel-good chemicals that offer a state of calm and well-being. They can help relieve headaches, hangovers, anxiety, and even help your skin look more glowy.
During these uncertain times, our stress levels are extremely high. And orgasms have a positive impact on stress. They reduce the body’s natural stress hormone, cortisol, while flooding it with feel-good chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine. So, get after it!
Q: Can you masturbate while on your period?
A: Yes! And I would recommend it because orgasms can help to relieve menstrual cramps – something we all know we could live without. We’ve been socialized to think our bodies aren’t worthy of sex or pleasure when we’re on our cycle because it’s “gross” or “dirty.” And, it honestly just isn’t.
If you’re worried about a mess, keep a menstrual cup in and use an external clitoral vibrator while masturbating. If you want to use toys internally, be sure to lay down a few towels to avoid staining sheets. Quality sex toys are designed to handle all body secretions and fluids. You’re not going to mess them up with a little period blood.
The point is: If you want to masturbate, masturbate. There is no time when it’s off-limits.
Q: Is it fine to use household appliances to aid with masturbation? If so, which would you recommend?
A: I would NOT recommend this. The only masturbation-approved household item is using a showerhead to run warm water over the vulva (not inside the vagina). Using an electric toothbrush, a massage gun or anything like that is not good for the vulva. These tools are not designed to be put on the mucus-rich vulva skin and can cause tearing and infection. Vulvas are quite delicate and need to be treated with care.
Sex toys are a celebration of your sexuality and power. Invest in quality products that you can treasure. Be sure you buy toys made from ABS plastic or body-safe silicone, a USB rechargeable, and have a variety of speeds to choose from. There are so many amazing places where you can buy sex toys and have them discreetly shipped to your house.
Check out the LoveHoney website. They ship all over the UK and made great toys. Don’t be embarrassed by having a vibrator (or any other kind of sex toy). Pleasure is wonderful, not shameful.
Q: My partner has suggested masturbating together. Is this normal and how does it work?
A: Contrary to one of the many popular sexual myths that pervade our anti-sex culture, masturbation does not stop (nor should it) once you’re in a committed relationship. There’s this weird AF notion that if you masturbate in a relationship, the relationship somehow suffers. Some people even consider masturbating cheating (which it most definitely is not).
Masturbation is not bad nor does it damage partnerships. In fact, studies have shown that masturbating in relationships can actually increase overall libido, leading people to more frequent partnered sexual play.
It’s hot to watch your partner get themselves off. It just is. Seeing them pleasure themselves is like your own personal porno right there in your bedroom (or wherever you do sex stuff).
You get to see exactly how they like to be touched when they touch themselves and getting to be a part of that intense ecstasy is invigorating. You might even get a few ideas for the next time you fool around together.
It’s a great way to build intimacy when you’re too tired for a full-on bang session. You get to be together and have orgasms without all the effort of oral sex, hand sex, or intercourse. Your partner can lick or bite your nipples, you can make out during the session; whatever feels right. If you’d rather just lie back and both do your own thing, there is nothing wrong with that. The key thing is that you’re engaging in sexual self-love with the person you love. You’re sharing your erotic space, without having sex.
This is GOOD for relationships. You guys should enjoy yourselves and get curious about trying new things.
About Gigi Engle
Gigi Engle, ACS, CSE, CSC, is an award-winning feminist author, certified sex coach, sexologist, and sex educator. As a brand expert with Lifestyle Condoms & Zumio, she promotes and teaches about pleasure-based sex education, masturbation, and safer sex practices. Gigi’s work regularly appears in many publications including Cosmopolitan, Marie Claire, Elle Magazine, Teen Vogue, Glamour and Women’s Health. Her articles have been shared over 50 million times, with her top posts reaching over 150 million shares. In 2019, Gigi was named Journalist of The Year at the Sexual Freedom Awards. Her book, All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life, is available wherever books are sold.
