Finding a partner is tough, regardless of your sexual preferences.
However, finding your other half when looking for a kinkster can be even tougher. Knowing where and how to find someone who shares your exciting desires is difficult in a vanilla world.
Relationships are about compromise, but there are some preferences you just can’t ignore. Don’t sacrifice your sex life for a partner. There are thousands of like-minded lovers out there for you; trust us.
- Dating and kink: How to get started
- Where should you look for partners?
- How soon should you share your desires?
- Tips for approaching the kink conversion
- Remember – dating should be fun
Ready to navigate the dating scene as a kinkster? We’re here to help. Most online dating guides focus on vanilla love, so we’re here to provide additional tips for the kink world and kinky dating. You’ll be coupled up with a kinky sweetheart in no time.
Keep on reading to find out more.
Dating and kink: How to get started
Let’s face it. Kink dating isn’t the same as vanilla dating. If you have kinky preferences, you’ve already limited your dating pool. Sadly, most don’t have fun kinks, so finding a partner looks slightly different for the kinky community.
However, the modern world isn’t completely kink-free. Love it or hate it, media like 50 Shades of Gray has taken kink and BDSM into more bedrooms. Unusual sexual tastes are more acceptable now, and more individuals are up for trying new things.
Though kink is more mainstream, you might not want to be with someone who’s never tried it before. If you’re a fully-fledged kinkster, it’s often best to skip the kink-curious newbies and head to the experienced kinksters. However, if you’re willing to tone your desires down and teach someone new, you could broaden your search.
Questions to consider
Starting your kinky dating journey is all about assessing your needs. Would you be willing to teach a vanilla partner? Or do you want to stick with the experienced? Only you can decide; there are no guarantees vanilla partners will want to learn.
To get clear on your expectations, ask yourself these three questions:
- What am I looking for?
- What can I bring to the table?
- What are my boundaries?
Without knowing yourself, dating can be extremely hard. Though it sounds cliché, the best way to find a partner is to find yourself – especially if you’re in the kink scene. So, take some time and embrace an evening of soul-searching before you hit up the apps.
Dating never comes with any certainties. Keep an open mind throughout the process and enjoy meeting and greeting new people. At the end of the day, it’s all about fun and connections.
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Where should you look for partners?
It’s time to do some detective work. Looking in the right places is the best way to find your potential kinky match.
Finding kinky partners can be separated into two areas: offline and online.
Thanks to the immense digital world, you can get up close and personal with like-minded kinksters without meeting. This is amazing for some, but if you’re looking for a personal connection, you might want an in-person meeting first. Luckily, there are solutions for both.
Here are some of the best places to look for kinky partners:
Kinky dating apps
Dating apps are the front lines of dating for all preferences. Don’t rush to download Bumble, though! Endless kink-specific dating apps exist to help similar personalities meet.
When you opt for kinky dating apps, you’re cutting out anyone who’s vanilla. This is a quick and easy way to narrow your search, perfect if you’re not willing to date a vanilla individual.
Prefer cutting to the chase? These dating apps include data such as age, kinks, dominant/submissive status, and location. You’ll know your potential match inside-out before you start your first conversation. Apps like CollarSpace or Feeld are here to take the stress away from online kink dating.
Standard dating apps
While kinky dating apps seem like a perfect option, they often attract negative attention from inexperienced or immoral users and are unregulated by moderators. This is rare, but standard dating apps could be for you if you want to bypass this risk.
Many kinksters are bypassing kink apps and instead choosing vanilla dating services. Websites like OkCupid allow users to enter details about sexual preferences. This helps you navigate potential like-minded matches. Tinder is another popular tool, as this app was originally for hookups. This app is more laidback, allowing users to chat without pressure.
If you choose the vanilla app route, it can be useful to state you’re poly or kinky on your profile. Keep it respectful and appropriate, though.
Online communities
Wondering why we haven’t mentioned FetLife yet? This online kink community is usually confused as a dating app, but it’s more of a social network for kinksters.
There are many online forums and communities for kinksters. These can be great ways to meet others, but they’re not dedicated dating spaces. So, enjoy the connections here, but don’t assume everyone’s looking for love.
Play parties
Play parties and clubs are great meeting places for kinksters. While many scenes that play out on these nights are pre-established, you can meet like-minded individuals and form life-long bonds.
Just note play parties tend to be noisy, and it can be difficult to form new connections here. But you never know. You’ll also be able to see some new scenes and develop your interests and personal kink desires.
Munches
If a play party sounds too intense, try attending munches instead. This is a gathering of kinky people at a bar, restaurant, or cafe. No play is involved, and the focus is on social interactions. Perfect for meeting new connections in a chilled-out atmosphere, especially if you’re new to the local kink scene.
How soon should you share your desires?
If you’re not in kink circles, you’ll need to share your desires with a vanilla partner. This can be daunting, especially if the relationship is fresh.
The best rule of thumb is to start slowly with kink and build-up. This way, you can avoid putting your partner in an uncomfortable situation if they’re not into kink. Consider adding “socially acceptable” kink into sex, for example, dirty talk or spanking.
If your partner seems interested in these behaviours, you can open up an honest conversation about your desires.
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Tips for approaching the kink conversion
Before any kink occurs, enthusiastic consent must be given. That’s why the kink conversation is so important! Building up to this conversation is scary, so consider these tips when you’re getting prepared.
- Don’t leave hints. Real communication is best. You can’t expect your partner to read between the lines when you drop subtle hints
- Honesty is the best policy. Speaking truthfully about your desires is important, as hiding your needs will lead to discontentment. If you’re not a good match, you can move on and find a partner who is.
- Remember that neither party is wrong. Your desires are yours, and these are valid. Similarly, your partner’s desires are also valid. When you sit down and chat, it’s not about winning an argument. It’s an open conversation
- Consider baby-steps. If your partner is open to kink, don’t plunge them in the deep end. Negotiate small ways you can include kink into your sex life
- Educate yourself and others. When you sit down and discuss kink, ensure you’ve researched it beforehand. You might think you know your kink well, but reading about it online will give you a clear explanation, so your partner understands too
- Find shared ground. If this is the first-time kink has been brought up, find common ground first. For example, ask them about their desires first. This will make them more comfortable
- Keep calm. A kink conversation is the same as any normal chat. Stay calm and cool to keep communication clear
- Remind your partner that you’re attracted to them. Change can be difficult for some. It can be helpful to tell your partner how much you’re attracted to them when disclosing your kinks. This will help them understand that the fetish is another way to get closer to each other
What do you do if they’re not into it?
Mis-matched desires can cause strain on relationships. Ensuring your needs are met is important, but you can’t force your partner to engage in your desires without enthusiastic consent.
Sometimes, kinky desires remain a curiosity for one partner, and they’re okay with that. For many, fantasy is enough. But, if engaging in your fetishes is non-negotiable, you might be more aligned with a kink-friendly partner.
Deal breakers are there for a reason, and we can’t all be sexually compatible. This sucks, but it’s not the end of the world.
Remember – dating should be fun
A kink-friendly relationship might be closer than you think. We hope these tips have inspired your dating journey. It might seem scary but jumping in and meeting new people is always rewarding. Good luck and remember to be honest and respectful.
