There are plenty of pitfalls and mistakes you can make when dating a trans person, even if you mean no harm. From accidentally offensive questions to expecting your date to share their life story, it’s better to do your own research before showing up at the restaurant.
This article is designed to provide you with guidance and advice on dating a trans person. We’ve included seven dos and don’ts from the trans community, along with a few extra tips to help you approach your date with confidence.
Keep scrolling to learn more.
Why you should do your research
If you’ve never dated a trans person before, you might be a little nervous and want to make a good impression. The fact you’re here and reading this piece shows you’re doing your research and have good intentions.
It’s important to know general dating etiquette before your date. It’s respectful and helps you educate yourself on the topic in general. It also helps you avoid any accidental offensive questions or general misunderstandings—two things no one wants on a first date!
Doing your research helps you to support your date while respecting their identity. It’ll also start the relationship off from a healthier place.
Keep reading to understand the dos and don’ts for dating trans people so you can make a good impression and watch the sparks fly.
Dos and don’ts when dating a trans person.
These tips and tricks have been taken from the trans community and are the general opinion held by most members. Follow these tips, and you’ll be sure to have a fantastic first date:
1. Don’t focus on their trans identity
Yes, this tip seems to juxtapose the entire subject of this article. But if you take one thing away from this page, it’s that you shouldn’t make their identity the sole focus of your date.
Your date is an entire person outside of your gender identity. Only talking about being trans is intrusive and extremely rude. Get to know them outside of this topic, and treat them as you would a cisgender person.
2. Do let them lead the conversation on transness
Everyone’s different, and where some trans people might not want to discuss their identity, others are happy to be open and upfront about their transness.
If your date starts the conversation and is happy to share, don’t shut them down. Allow them to set the tone and lead the conversation.
3. Don’t say “You don’t look trans”
Telling a trans person that they pass is not the compliment you think it is. This reinforces the stereotype that passing as a specific gender is the beauty standard. Also, some trans people can’t pass or aren’t bothered about passing. It’s a personal preference and one that’s best not mentioned.
4. Do use ‘they’ pronouns until pronouns are specifically discussed
If you’re unsure which pronouns your date uses, use gender-neutral ‘they/them’ pronouns until you get a clear answer. This way, you can avoid any awkward miscommunications or assumptions.
The best way to ask is as simple as saying, ‘Do you have a preferred pronoun?’ Some trans people dislike being asked about their pronouns, especially if you’re in a group setting or with other people. In these cases, examine which pronouns others are using or subtly ask a close friend.
If you use the wrong pronoun by accident, apologise and correct yourself. Mistakes happen, but you should try to use the correct pronouns at all times.
5. Don’t ask about genitals
You’d be surprised at how often people ask about trans people’s genitals out of the blue. And yes, this is very unpleasant and rude.
Similarly, don’t ask about biological sex, surgeries, or how having sex works. If you need to know the answers to these questions on the first few dates, you probably shouldn’t be dating a trans person – and you might want to reflect on your own relationship with sex.
6. Do let your date set the pace sexually
Any first date has the ‘will we or won’t we’ tension. Wait until you have consent and clear boundaries before making any sexual advances.
If you have chemistry and open communication, it will be clear when it’s the right time to take things up a notch. If you’re unsure, it’s best to hold back until you have an honest conversation about desires and readiness.
7. Don’t keep your date a secret
When dating a trans person, you want to make sure you treat them like any other date. So, don’t keep them a secret from your friends and family.
Again, if you have unresolved feelings around dating a trans person or telling others who you’re dating, you must work them out before becoming romantically involved with someone. It’s simply unfair to them and can leave them feeling insecure in their identity or like they’re a fetish and not a proper partner.
Learning more about the transgender experience
Understanding the transgender experience is critical when getting romantically involved with a trans person. Remember, trans people don’t exist to educate you. Doing your due diligence and understanding misconceptions is crucial.
Part of understanding the trans experience is also understanding the everyday harassment and discrimination they face – not just how to act on a date.
Most trans people don’t want to have to explain themselves. They also don’t want to hear how courageous or brave they are. Give them space to set the pace and treat them as you would like to be treated.
Everyone is different and there’s no one ‘rule’
The seven dos and don’ts above provide a general guideline for dating trans people. But as with any road map, no universal rule fits everyone.
Each person will have different preferences, and even with extensive research, you might still get something wrong. This is okay. Just remember to apologise, respect their boundaries, and remember their preferences for future interactions.
If you accidentally upset your date, don’t be defensive. Give them space, understand that you need to step back, and allow them time to heal.
The takeaway
Dating is never easy, but when you approach it with kindness and understanding, you’re sure to have a good time and foster a positive relationship. Hopefully, this blog has answered a few questions you were afraid to ask. Keep researching and informing yourself! There’s always more to learn.
Read more about sex and relationships on the Vivastreet blog here.
