Former escort, TV expert, and Sex Coach & Hypnotherapist Rebecca Dakin, shares advice on how to become sex-positive in modern society. Have a comment for Rebecca? Comment below or ask us on Twitter.
Q: What does it mean to be sex-positive?
A: For me, being sex-positive means having no shame around sex and no judgement. Being accepting of all sexual kinks involving consenting adults and all sexualities LGBTQ+ inclusive.
Q: How do you think sex positivity trends have changed over time?
A: We are more open about sex with the internet, and in general, education has been freely available due to this. We have a long way to go, however, we are definitely making some progress. Slut-shaming is still very current, and the worst thing is, it’s often women doing it to other women. If a woman’s man/woman cheats on her, the person they have cheated with is often called a slut/slag/whore. Women need to do their bit to stop slut-shaming.
Q: How can being sex-positive benefit me and my sex life?
A: Being sex-positive means that you can engage in positive communication around sex, discuss healthy boundaries, have discussions around consent, and also talk about fantasies, desires and kinks, without shame.
Q: What are the things I can do to become more sex-positive?
A: Start by being open and non-judgemental, and curious. For example, have you made a judgement of people who are into certain kinks? Whether it’s swinging or being dressed up in baby clothes and nappies? Understand that you are you and you have your specific desires and fantasies and others have theirs. Just because they are different to yours it doesn’t define who they are as a person. They are not ‘weird’ just because they are not like you. Have healthy conversations around sex and experiment with things you think you might like.
Q: How can I embrace my sexuality as a woman in a healthy way?
A: Connect fully to your body and honour it with self-pleasure. Often as women, we disconnect from our bodies (I have been guilty of this, especially when I was escorting) and it’s easy to have sex with a partner out of obligation and learn to disconnect. Touching yourself how you like to be touched, experimenting with different sensations and different toys is key to finding out what you like and allowing your body to respond. When you have casual sex, don’t do it when you’re drunk or under the influence, that’s not empowerment. Do it sober, consent fully and communicate what you want, and enjoy it without shame. In a relationship don’t have sex out of obligation, talk about your desires, what you want and need, and encourage your partner to make sex emotionally and physically satisfying for you.
Q: I don’t really enjoy kinky sex, and identify as vanilla, does this still mean that I can be sex-positive?
A: Being sex-positive isn’t about being kinky, it’s about having a healthy view of sex and being accepting of those who have kinks by not judging them. It’s about knowing how to get what you want sexually by positive communication with your sexual partners, and if that’s vanilla sex, then owning that without feeling any guilt, i.e., like you ‘should be’ doing more or that you’re ‘not adventurous/exciting enough’.
Q: I masturbate quite often, how do you think masturbation influences sex positivity?
A: Masturbation is key to knowing what you like and how you like it. It’s healthy to talk about it and is a great way to get your sexual needs met without feeling like you can’t have fun because you’re not in a relationship.
Q: Is there a relationship between sex positivity and body positivity?
A: I think there is a link… can one exist without the other? I guess there’s a whole lot of grey there, so yes I believe they can exist separately. One could be very positive about sex but not about their body and vice versa. Obviously, we are aiming for positivity in both areas for the most fulfilling sex, however, the pressure to feel positive about our bodies can be counter-productive. Thankfully, there are some great Instagram accounts that are championing body acceptance, which is a more realistic achievable goal for more people.
Q: Does sex positivity make me a feminist?
A: Sex positivity has nothing to do with gender.
Q: Why is there a stigma attached to women and sex?
A: The ‘other woman’ has always been ostracized and still is today in the media. Slut-shaming is still a problem, however, first and foremost, women need to stop doing it to other women. How can we expect other genders to be onboard if women are still shaming other women?
Q: How does porn and sex work play into sex positivity?
A: It helps people find out what kinks and fetishes they might be into. They can both offer a sexual release in a safe environment.
Q: How do you think your work and creative practices, etc., push for a more dynamic understanding of the ways we think about sex?
A: People are now more comfortable seeking the help of professionals in this field and this is due to the influencers on social media and the content experts like me are putting out. Because of my background in sex work people come to me because they know they won’t be judged, whether they have had an affair, are addicted to porn or are struggling with sexual dysfunction, I am able to put people at ease and encourage them to open up in a safe environment so that I can help them through whatever challenges they are facing.
About Rebecca Dakin
‘My experience in dating and relationships is very much hands on. You see I’ve been in the sex industry for over 20 years, 10 of which I spent working as an escort, travelling the world with men, women and couples offering what is known in the escort industry as The Girlfriend Experience. Which is as it says on the tin, a hired girlfriend, and dating, intimacy and relationships was a big part of that.
After finishing escorting in 2010, my book The Girlfriend Experience was published, and since then I’ve forged out a business helping others using a less hands on approach.
During the past 9 years I have experienced various therapies myself for my own self development, including CBT, hypnotherapy, NLP, counselling, PP Inner Child Therapy and experiencing these therapies for myself, aside from the huge benefits to my wellbeing, has given me good foundations and understanding of people and relationships.
I trained in 2011 to become a Hypnotherapist, a Master Practitioner in NLP and I trained in Time Line Therapy. I don’t work like traditional therapists I use these therapy skills alongside my unique life experience to coach women, men and couples to find fulfilment in their relationships with themselves first and foremost, and, with others.
Book your 20 Minute Exploratory Call so I can help you understand how my skills and experience can help you.’
