Due to the rise of dating apps and specific sites which focus on bondage sex, it is very likely that you’ve heard about BDSM.
Likewise, according to our own research on sexual fetishes, BDSM ranked No.1 as the most searched sexual fetish in the UK, proving just how mainstream this form of kink has become over the years.
With that being said, if you’re interested in this kink and are looking to enjoy BDSM sex, then you might want to get clued up on what it is, and importantly how to practice it safely.
- What is BDSM?
- How BDSM works
- How common is BDSM?
- A brief BDSM dictionary
- How to practice BDSM safely
- Is BDSM healthy?
Eager to know a little bit more about BDSM sex? Read on.
What is BDSM?
So, here is the question that everybody asks: What does BDSM stand for? Bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. These are the three categories under which most kinks fall.
Each term within the acronym BDSM has a particular meaning. Bondage, for example, is the practice of arresting or tying someone. The expression discipline or submission represents the submissive role, in which the person complies with all the rules established by the dominator. Dominance is for the partner that has full authority over the BDSM relationship or act.
Sadism and masochism (or sadomasochism) is the relationship between the stimulation of the other partner’s suffering (sadism) and the satisfaction of the sufferer (masochism) to excite the dominant partner.
The purpose of this erotic fetish is to find pleasure amid your partner’s physical pain, restraint and servitude. Even without leading to sex, the mental connotations of some BDSM themed acts can be more of a turn-on itself.
BDSM involves a kind of consensual master-sex slave relationship, where one partner is the dominator and the other person is submissive to their sexual desires.
How BDSM works
If you’re new to BDSM, it can seem quite intimidating at first, but you can combine sex, power and pain in a healthy manner.
As pain and submission are essential during BDSM practice, there must be respect and consent from both parties.
Many people find sexual pleasure in many BDSM practices such as:
- Tying up their lover
- Spanking them
- Putting a dog chain around their neck
- Pulling their hair
- Biting them
- Dripping hot candle wax on their body
- Dressing up and role-play
Typically, these are prelude acts that lead to sex, but it doesn’t have to involve sex.
The practice of BDSM sex is commonly performed or enhanced with the use of accessories such as bondage kits, whips, handcuffs, ropes, mouth gags, anal hooks, breast binders, blindfolds, tape, harnesses, sex toys such as dildos, cock rings and butt plugs – the list goes on.
Bear in mind that BDSM sex doesn’t have to involve every act it stands for, meaning that if you have a preference for bondage and discipline and are not too keen on sadism and masochism, you can choose to leave it out of the equation.
No matter what act of BDSM you want to explore, it generally tends to bore down to dominance and submission.
Domineering
Before starting the BDSM session, the couple must define the roles and decide who will be the dominator and who will play the role of submissive.
The dominator is the one who will determine everything the submissive will do, in addition to doing what they desire (with the other person’s consent), such as applying slaps and scratches, using a whip, handcuffs and ropes, or preventing the other from reaching orgasm, for example.
Tip: Make the moment more interesting by switching roles so you have the golden opportunity of being in control of each other. You won’t know which role you prefer unless you try both.
Submissive
The person who plays the role of submissive will be the one who will surrender to their partner and completely trust them.
In addition to providing pleasure to the dominator with submission, this role can also be revealingly pleasurable, since the unknown can trigger moments of excitement and pleasure.
It is important to highlight that submission does not mean that you must submit to all the desires of the other during BDSM sex. Or even that you must subject yourself to unnecessary dangers.
The security of BDSM practice must be taken very seriously and is a constant subject of discussion among those who practice it. Whether the submissive BDSM is being performed through fixed, sporadic partners or even with a professional, safety is essential.
How common is BDSM?
As mentioned, our study in the UK showed that not only was BDSM the top sexual fetish, but that there are on average 90,500 monthly searches for BDSM across the country.
Furthermore, in 2020, a survey conducted by sex brand Lelo revealed that 75% of respondents have tried BDSM in one form or another.
According to certified sex coach, sexologist Gigi Engle,
“BDSM has launched into popularity ever since people read Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s not new, though. It dates back centuries. According to Lehmiller’s data, nearly 80 percent of people have had a bondage fantasy.”
A brief BDSM dictionary
In addition to the more common terminologies (mentioned above), here is a mini glossary of some less known words within the word of BDSM for newcomers.
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- Vanilla: Referring to the most common flavour of ice cream, this term is used for people who do not practice BDSM
- Scene: This makes reference to a kind of BDSM performance between a couple that can happen during the practice
- SSC: This acronym stands for Safe, Sane and Consensual, which is informed consent by two individuals
- RACK: Another acronym that means consent between partners, this stands for Risk-aware Consensual Kink
- Switcher: People who enjoy changing roles during BDSM practice are referred to as a switcher – one time dominating and another time submissive.
How to practice BDSM safely
As BDSM aims to achieve pleasure through physical and psychological pain, the safety of partners is paramount during practice.
This is reinforced by sex-positive events facilitator and curator Marti Birch who says that:
“Staying safe is a number one priority in engaging in any kind of fetish or kink. Do your research, there are many resources to look into before meeting and engaging.”
Open communication should be used before, during and after BDSM activity. This is to ensure everyone involved establishes their limits and what they do and don’t feel comfortable doing. Open communication will also help all parties involved to discuss what went well, and ultimately make the experience more pleasurable the next time round.
Introducing a safety word is advised so that the submissive practitioner can stop the practice at any time should they feel uncomfortable or things start to get out of hand. This is the golden rule in BDSM. The safety word must be respected above anything else, and can be any word agreed upon.
However, the traffic light system is the most common safe word system among beginner BDSM practitioners. Each colour is used to communicate how you’re feeling and what you want.
- Red: This word is used when you want your partner to stop what they are doing immediately. It should be used when you feel uncomfortable, find yourself in unbearable pain or danger, or when you no longer give consent
- Yellow or amber: If you like what’s being done to you but you want them to reel in a little bit or you feel you’ve reached your limit, then this will let your partner know that you’re on the edge of physical discomfort
- Green: To keep the pleasure going, this lets your partner know that you’re completely comfortable and gives them the green light to continue
Is BDSM healthy?
According to the World Health Organization (WHO), this sexual fantasy is healthy when it is practiced in a safe and healthy way – without putting anyone at risk.
This type of sexual behaviour does not require clinical follow-up if it does not directly affect other aspects of the person’s life.
As with all sexual intercourse, BDSM is a practice that must be given consent by everyone involved. Everyone must be physically and emotionally comfortable to gain full pleasure from this intense sexual experience.
If you’re interested in BDSM, have an open discussion with your partner about it and see how they feel. There are lots of support, advice, forums and guides out there to help you get started as a beginner.
Interested in reading about other kinks and fetishes? Read our article.
